I know this sounds very un-bodhisattva but I’ve no interest of coming back over and over for the sake of all beings. I ‘want out’. Done’. If that somehow benefits folk then great but to pretend I want to live it all over and over again sounds like hell to me.
It sounds as if you see coming back to benefit beings as somehow at odds with realising the True Nature of Reality. We take the Bodhisattva vow in order to link directly into our True Nature that is naturally caring and concerned for others – all others – simply because they exist and are just like us. Linking into any other motivation is the slow path.
Did you oscillate between devotion and doubt / scepticism in the early days ?
Lama Shenpen responds:
Until ultimate realisation arises we are always oscillating between faith and doubt – so yes still there is that oscillation for me – but not major swings – I never experienced major swings but moments of genuine insight and devotion and many moments in between – not quite at that level of insight and devotion but held somehow by the sense of the Refuge in the three jewels.
The ‘answer’ I’m seeking appears to be an impossible, closed loop of searching and never finding, a rigged game. For me it’s not about Buddhism or nirvana or god etc, it is unconditionally about the Truth at any and all costs, absolutely no exceptions.
It is true that setting ourselves goals such as being a good Buddhist or gaining nirvana can cause us to become attached to concepts – nonetheless they serve as sign-posts. The important thing is to hold the concepts lightly and look at the direction they are pointing in – right here in your present experience.
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