Student:

Is it still possible to be aligned with the values and ethos of the Awakened Heart Sangha if I find expressing myself difficult, specifically in group situations due to anxiety? And it would be against the ethos to avoid taking part in online groups, courses and discussions because of that?

Lama Shenpen:

Our vision, values and ethos express our aspirations – our agreed and shared values that we are training ourselves in – training ourselves to live in alignment with them – learning from our mistakes and working with our shortcomings over time – it is our ethos to do this with openness clarity and sensitivity – which means we are constantly noticing and acknowledging to ourselves just how much further there is still to go – and that includes not letting ourselves get too discouraged!

Reading down the page I see you are making aspirations in the direction of being able to join in and express yourself and you rejoice in seeing others do what you cannot do right now – that is how the ability to join in will grow in you – in the meantime foster kindness to yourself around this and take tiny steps – encouraging yourself every time there is progress and if possible laugh when you slip backwards – patting yourself on the back everytime you make your aspirations and enjoy watching someone else modelling how you want to be. That is aligning with the ethos.

Student:

I sometimes avoid discussions groups. The anxiety fluctuates, sometimes it’s mild and I can get on ok despite it, but other times it’s quite severe which makes it hard to participate, and it can be very draining. I don’t always have the energy to physically stay with the anxiety, facing it head on, which is why I can avoid situations…

Lama Shenpen:

It sounds to me as if you are being kind and sensitive towards yourself and you know yourself well enough to know when a step is just a bit too big for you right now. Better keep to small steps that work out well for you – so that you feel encouraged. If you take a step that is too big for you just now – well, it is harder to remain encouraged isn’t it?

Student:

I already feel worried about an upcoming discussion group I would like to take part in, and start feeling anxious when I think of it. I’m not sure if I’d be able to mention this in the group because it can be a bit too ‘alive’ in those situations…

Lama Shenpen:

I wonder if you would feel less anxious if you felt confident that feeling anxious was something you shared with others in the group? So that to mention it might reassure them that some people feel as they do? Also you could say that sometimes you need to bow out of the group for a while when it gets too bad.  If you can say this as if this is simply the case and you mourn the fact you will be missing out on some of the discussions – I think you would feel the empathy in the group supporting you.

One of the problems though is that people sometimes start giving you advice and encouragement in a way that simply makes things worse – too much of a spotlight on you – too much expectation or pressure to somehow not feel what you feel.

So it might be best sometimes just to let the group leader know how you are feeling at any group occasion so that perhaps you can be allowed to just be present without being asked to speak, maybe you find other ways of contributing your thoughts such as letting people know by email later on or something.

Student:

I’ve felt quite disheartened lately because my social/group anxiety feels like it’s getting worse at times not better, even though logically I can see it doesn’t make any sense and is due to ego clinging etc, but even when I’m able to calm my mind and feel ok to begin with, I can still get a very strong physical sensation of anxiety. I can ‘stay with it’ but expressing myself openly and clearly in a state of high anxiety is difficult.

Lama Shenpen:

Yes – of course it is going to be difficult so take it one step at a time – tiny steps and sometimes backwards steps – but keep aspiring and looking at others modelling the direction you want to go and feeling happy to have examples to aspire to!

Social anxiety is such a common problem that we are going to have to find ways to help people like yourself to feel confident and comfortable about having to bow out sometimes and how to help you to catch up on discussions and be able to contribute even if it’s one to one and someone feeding in for you sometimes.

Also for others who feel nervous/anxious it is encouraging to see someone speak up even though they’re finding it difficult – and for people like myself who find it only too easy to pipe up in most situations (by all means not all) – I feel so happy that they have managed to overcome their nervousness and to say something – and it’s usually well worth listening to because if it had not been important they wouldn’t have said it!

I wonder if it would make a difference if the group discussion leader knew how you were feeling and was able to be very sensitive about it? So that when it came to your time to speak the group leader could simply check in with you in front of the group – and I think it is honest enough to simply say I have been listening and taking it all in and would like to think about it a bit more, and perhaps send my thoughts in writing after the meeting. I suppose you could mention you have stage fright etc – but I don’t think you need to tell everything to everyone all the time.

Student:

I make pranidhanas to have the necessary courage to stay with the discomfort and let go of the clinging that must be causing this in the future, but as I mentioned, I currently feel quite disheartened about it!

Lama Shenpen:

It sounds as if you are taking plenty of small steps and even some quite big ones – so well done you – that is aligning with the ethos isn’t it?  Aligning with it doesn’t mean you can already act completely in line with it – it means you are committed to learning. It is great that you have been able to talk to me about this.